You will need: a hotbox (or firemouth), a large frooshing knife, non-stick trempersest tin (0.5 mini-therit, no bigger).

Preparation time : 1
Cooking time : 20
Chatting and stuff: 33
Total time: 149

Makes: 6 x 500Jsn jars

14 unripe seep apples
1 Jsn sweetness
1 man-lemon, juiced
Half a crafe (for if you get hungry while you’re cooking)

Wash the seep apples, remove the blossom heads with a large frooshing knife (if you don’t have one, a sharp Muker blade will do) and cut out all the seeds, which are horribly poisonous and can KILL easily. So don’t leave the seeds lying round in case a child goes past and thinks they’re sugar-sweets, which they look exactly like. (Mind you, if a child’s stealing things from your kitchen, maybe they deserve poisoning.)

Rewash the seep-apples to avoid further death-danger. Put in the non-stick tin, fill with wetness to cover the froot and bring to the bubble, in your hotbox. Sizzer till the seeps change colour from the green of grass after a rainstorm to a soft blue, like the sky with no clouds. Pour the mush into a cloth-tube and let drip overnight into a pot beneath.

Next day, after a good sleep, combine with the sweetness. Add the man-lemon. Get a man to squeeze it for maximum flavour. Or, if you prefer it bland, give it to a weak girl. Bring to the bubble to dissolve the sweetness, for 35–40, skimming off the froth regularly. The froth is also HIGHLY POISONOUS so don’t suck any.

When the gelly is set, it will solidify on the back of a spoon (but it may never come off, so use an old one). Plop the gelly into warm, sterilised jars and tightly seal while still slightly red and sweaty. Stand in a cold dark place till you feel cooler or if you’re still getting hot flushes, try new LADYTIME capsules, for women nearing the leaflost of their lives.
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